letting go
Wednesday, July 25, 2012 at 09:53PM hello, world.
i have an announcement.
ahem..deep breath in. twist of my neck. consider not typing any further. deep breath out. my heart settles into my chest. here it is:
I'M LETTING GO. Yes, I'm letting go.
my hands are open. my heart a flutter ... so ready for rest. wide eyed and attempting to filter my ears from my mind. because really, my mind keeps telling me to stop this madness, stop thinking i can let go of my perfectionism.
that's right. i'm letting go of perfection. now, a really deep breath.
Freedom. I'm seeking freedom. Because really, I've been enslaved to perfection for too long. I need to play and love and learn to love imperfectly. Perfectionism has driven me forward or so I've thought. It pushed me and forced me to say yes to things. It's kind of been a bully. But I have SO embraced it and loved it and even taken pride in it. I've thought it was motivation and in some cases, it probably has been. But here I am, calling perfectionism out. Because you, perfectionism, are not so perfect.
And really, I'm calling myself out. Perfectionism has held me back. It makes me stop before I try, thinking I can't do something perfectly or had me work on projects until I probably could have been better off murdering the project in the first place, because I usually murder my heart and soul somewhere in the process. And at times, it's made me crazy (similar to me talking to an ideation as if it was animate).
So here I am...just me. Imperfect, a little rough around the edges and quite unsure if this will stick. But I hope it does. Because this idea of being okay with not being perfect is SO much better than me continually trying to fill a need to be perfect that can't be filled. And if I'm being really honest, I'm quite the needy one. (WOW. I think I just committed social suicide for typing that ONLINE!). The hole in me to be perfect is unfillable. A black hole. And the first step towards absolving some of that neediness is to start accepting who I am. Just me. All of me.
So here's to grammatical errors, truth-telling and grace. Oh and really, to imperfection!
Take that, perfectionism!!